Wonder if it's a curse. It was during Xmas eve last year and on Xmas itself this year, 1 hr and 45 mins before the mensiversary. But oh well, the only difference is that I was the initiator this time. But I really think this is the way to do it. To be honest, I have been wanting to do this for the past few weeks already. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it thinking that things would change for the better since it has been sometime since the whole thing started. To my disappointment, although things did improve, the suspicion still stays, something which shouldn't exist at all, not at this point.

I really don't know what else I could do to get rid of it. I mean I couldn't just keep giving and giving just to prove my point without getting anything back. I don't want all those shallow stuff, I want something from within. I've been happy, truly. But I always feel that there's a barrier no matter how close I am. It's like there's a void or something, where everything which I gave just get sucked into it and not getting past to the other side. I've been trying to fill up the void, but efforts either paid off little or were futile. I tried to sustain, but then it's taxing, thought maybe if I could make it through this phase, we will have a very interesting journey up ahead. But things just went on as it is, and it's almost the same every time, even if the settings maybe be different.

Hence, I can't carry on handling the situation through the same means. I have to do it using another method, using another status, no matter how hurtful the transition is. But it's better to be hurt temporarily than to have prolonged pain. Like how Jennifer Nettles would sing "Why don't you stay, I'm up on my knees. I'm so tired of being lonely. You can't give me what I need......There is one thing you should know, I don't have to live this way, baby why don't you stay?" That's right, I shouldn't stay anymore, I'm not getting what I deserve. I deserve so much more and so much better.

However, the past have been real. The emotions are real, the feelings are real. I was really happy from deep down, never have I faked my happiness or felicity. At most I just didn't express it that outrightly but I have really devoted the whole of myself towards this whole 'game'. But I don't seem to reap what I have sown. Initially I thought this was only temporary, and maybe it'll go away soon enough. But I was wrong, the events just keep coming and coming like a torrential rain. I thought I could take it on without any reprisal. But no again, everyone has their limits. No matter how much feelings I have for a person... it's just a matter of time before the patience wears off and the retaliation takes place. But really, if such competition and conflict were to exist between both parties, it is almost impossible for them to coexist. It was really fun when I got the upper hand, but really, I don't enjoy this kind of relationship at all. Having to guard against the other one every now and then, it's really tiring. Plus if true feelings really exist between 2 individuals, is there even a need to go through this process? Haven't the past actions been indicative enough of how I felt towards you? Sigh... doesn't matter anymore. Besides, you were more than cool about it when I brought up the subject. Just proves how much I really mean to you. Right now, I just need to get past the transition phase :) Hope things will turn out the way we agreed upon alright?

I wanna be somebody's Chelsea :(

Hurhur, it's already our mensiversary as I close this post. But looking at how things have developed, today is only 26th Dec. Why am I even tearing at this point?? Be cool about it Shi Hao... LIBERATION!!!!